Birth, the truth behind the oldest joke ever told

Birth, the truth behind the oldest joke ever told

Birth: the most beautiful, natural occurrence that every woman is expected to aim for and go through. Realistically, not everyone wants children, not everyone can have children and even if you do or can, not everyone has those tranquil hippy births that you see on TV. It’s a bloody myth, mate.

I can remember being pregnant for the first time and looking forward to the birth of my first child. Determined to be one of those warrior mums that you see on TV; the ones who have water-births and make teeny tiny whimpers whilst they have contractions. They have calming hippy music in the background, candles burning and the amazing birthing partner who squeezes water on their brow when ever they feel a bit hot. It’s beautiful, it’s wonderful…no drugs, and you’ll meet your baby in a couple of pushes, and deliver a perfect tiny version of yourself. You and your partner will gaze at this little human that you created and smile and giggle whilst magical fairies come and bless you all with glitter and well wishes. A few minutes later your united family will come and bring you balloons and flowers and all of you will take photographs and laugh harmoniously whilst you glow. So much happiness, so much euphoria, you now know the meaning of life.  BULLSHIT. IT’S ALL AN EFFING LIE, A LIE I TELL THEE!

I’ve realised, after having three kids that their births shaped their personalities. It was all a psychic premonition telling me what these kids will be like when they’re older. For instance, Dylan’s birth. I went in blind, thinking it was going to be beautiful. I read the books, I went to antenatal classes. I even watched Super Nanny, cussed out the stupid parents not knowing how to say no to their kids. I scoffed at it all so smugly. I planned to give birth in a birthing centre, in a birthing pool in complete tranquility. My last check up quashed that dream – the nurse checked my blood pressure around 36 weeks, and looked slightly alarmed. She repeated the check and then left the room to call someone to get a second opinion. Me being me, knowing all that I needed to know about births, you know, because I watched the DVD’s and read the books, was quite blasé as I waited for them to come back. I looked at my swollen feet as I swung them back and forth on the bed. I’m short, I can’t reach the floor. They came back, proceeded to take my blood pressure for the 3rd time and then asked if I’d given a urine test. Something you do at every appointment. They double-checked that too and protein was found. So, OK, yeah, you found protein in my wee wee…and what? The DVD didn’t say anything about that, blud. With petrified faces, with panic in their voices they said I’d have to go to hospital. Ok, so I need to go to hospital today- that’s fine, I can go after I go to Asda. The nurses panic turned into terror and she explained that I had to go to the hospital now, like this second, like emergency flashy red lights and siren now-now.

Turns out I had Preeclampsia, a condition that can effect both mum and baby, and protein had been present in my urine about a month before in a routine check, however my shitty doctor didn’t do any further tests. I had to stay in hospital and be monitored until I had my baby. Shit man, talk about boring, the DVD, the classes did not tell me about this.

Two weeks later, very puffy and round due to my condition, being pregnant, and the numerous Chinese take-aways that I had as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, the Doctors decided that I needed to be induced. Again, DVD, you didn’t tell me about this, I’m beginning to think this DVD was like one of those friends that lie at school. The ones that tell you they went to Disneyland when you ask them what they did at the weekend, and because you’re 5, you believe them.

After being induced, I had contractions for two days; that’s two days of strong period-pain like cramps. Again, me being me, still blasé, still believing that DVD, contractions, shit man, this is a breeze. No drugs, if contractions just feel like this, I am a ‘motherf***ing warrior’. This pain can be ignored. Damn it, I could have gone to the birthing centre if I wasn’t ill! The contractions continued but with no real progress, no significant dilation progression. Now with the baby getting distressed they decided to break my waters. Hmmm… now they did mention this, but they didn’t say how. Luckily, it didn’t hurt, after inserting a knitting needle looking device I had a sudden gush flow from my nether-regions. I guess that now that my waters had broken, this is when I start wailing and puffing like they do in films? Nope. Just these very bearable period-pain cramps. A few hours later they want to give me a C-Section due to the baby getting more and more distressed. Ok, DVD, now I think you lied to me. We are no longer friends, fam, why did you do this?

They asked my fourth midwife to get me prepped, and she came and chatted to me about her life, then sat down and read my Heat magazine. She kind of got in trouble when the Doctor came back as she hadn’t prepped me, and by prepped I mean shave my bikini line and the rest. Obviously I didn’t have time to go and get a wax, as I had hoped I would. A doctor quickly dry-BIC-shaving my lady garden wasn’t the most pleasant experience.

I needed to have an epidural, which is an injection into your spine that numbs you from the waist down. I don’t like needles as it is, so the thought sounded horrendous. The started to inject me, couldn’t find the right spot, and then continued trying to inject me up and down my spine, 2, 3, 4, 5 times, I lost count. This is when I started fitting and seeing stars. I remember the doctor standing over me and I was laughing, not because it was funny, but I literally couldn’t think straight, it was like I wasn’t present, remember, I wasn’t even on any medication or pain relief at this point. They got me to scribble some paperwork that basically meant if I died no-one could sue them. Yeah, cool DVD, I F***ing hate you.

 

Does birth shape your personality

Dylan 

Does birth shape your personality

Zachary 

Does birth shape your personality

Ziggy 

I was put to sleep and the first thing I remember is someone pointed to my baby with a nurse who was feeding him. I was upset, I wanted to feed him, why couldn’t I hold him? She came over when she realised that I was awake. She handed me my baby, all small and not podgy like the babies born on the DVD or in films, he was tall, and skinny, but with chubby cheeks. He was cute, making funny noises like a little goat, a goat kind of grunting. Now TV had taught me that babies cry, not sound like goats. Was this just something they didn’t tell me? I called the nursed and asked if these noises were normal, I’m not an expert, I don’t understand these little people. I saw that face again, the face that those nurses had when they took my blood pressure. They took him away immediately and didn’t explain why. WTF is all this? This is not how all this was supposed to happen. WTF was my kid? Where were my balloons and flowers and photo opportunities. Shit man, I picked the short straw with all of this.

Baby boy had Group B Strep, an infection that can cause breathing problems. He was admitted into the special care unit along with premature and seriously ill babies. He was in an incubator, he had tubes in his nose, he had a a needle in his tiny hand connected to a drip supplying him with antibiotics. This wasn’t supposed to happen. We weren’t supposed to fear being told they that they weren’t sure that he was going to make it. I wasn’t supposed to feel the fear that we wasn’t going to be there whenever I went to visit. This wasn’t my birth plan.

Newly named Dylan was in intensive care, then the special baby unit for two weeks before he came home. He was fine. He worried us, he made us think we were completely at fault for bringing him into this world in such crappy conditions. 11 years on, we still have the same feelings, not because he’s ill, not because he is affected by all of this in any way, but because he is the biggest attention seeker that did ever live. He loves praise like any child, but he also likes to cause drama… he likes to worry us. Just like those days and weeks that surrounded his birth.

Much like the other two, their births seems to shape their personalities. Zachary’s birth was a planned C-section. My waters broke on my due date, so he couldn’t wait to come and cause havoc on the world. I had an Epidural, and like the first time, they couldn’t find the right spot. I had about 12 injections in my spine before it worked. The pain was horrendous, but he was a chubby little boy who slept like an angel. He slept most of the time and just wanted to play and do his own thing. Much like today, he’s a pain in the backside, he has no patience and is very stubborn. Has a great sense of humour though.

Lastly Ziggy. After having a miscarriage and trying for a year for another baby, he was born. Another planned C-Section, another Epidural, but this time they found the spot after about two attempts. I had a playlist that they said could be played during the procedure, much to the Surgeons and Anaesthetic’s pleasure I didn’t have Whales singing, but a playlist made up of Jess Glynne, Mary J Blige and other chart music around that time. I’m pretty sure Ziggy was born to Beyoncé. This may explain his love of music and dancing. His birth was easy, he latched on straight away and didn’t really let me go once that happened. Didn’t let me put him down and didn’t let me go anywhere, I carried him around like those Essex girls with Chihuahuas. His choice, not mine. Today, we are basically inseparable. He’s my little bums, and we have inside jokes and easily understand one another. Not in a creepy clingy mother and son way, we are just very in tune with each other. Which is nice.

The DVD’s, the books, your best friend’s mate who gave birth and pooed during labor may not be able to give you the best advice when it comes to birth. Your impending birth may turn out Zen-like, like the one I planned, or it may not work out how you expected. Either way, it’s your way. Don’t let anyone (other than a professional if necessary) persuade you otherwise. Oh, one last thing, if anyone even dares judge me for having 3 C-Sections, I’m gonna come and kick you in the nuts. Thank you.

 

 

How did your birth go? Are you pregnant and contemplating writing your birth plan? Let me know below x

Sareta is the creator of Kiki Blah-Blah! She runs the site along with our social media pages and shares a post or two. Between that she enjoys all things Love & Hiphop Atlanta, The Walking Dead, Game Of Thrones & Kanye West's excitable rants.
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8 Comments

  1. ZaraLouU

    I had two c sections so I kinda know your pain – my epidurals were pretty simple though, in fact with Amy I was numb up to my arms and I couldn’t hold her very well. She ended up slipping and sliding everywhere it wasn’t the pretty ‘mom cradling baby girl’ picture people envision.
    Dom was an emergency – instead of me parping my pants, he did and after me enduring a forced labour with all those drugs gubbins he pretty much went into panic, had some sort of heart attack style issues and I was rushed down.
    His labour however was hilarious as I had gas and air and pretty much shouted down the hallway-
    “I WANT A MEAT FEAST PIZZA AND MY SON…IN THAT ORDER” and “my fanny hurts” the husband asking what I meant and where, I replied “IN MY FANNY HOOOOOLLLLEEEEEE” much to his dismay.
    Amy was a emergency/planned. I developed gestation diabetes and they recommended a csection after doms birth – but like you I yearned for a relaxed water birth. I guess it’s a lesson learned – kids are unpredictable from birth onwards, but it’s always a gain, a gain of love, knowledge and memories.
    Loved this sweets!!!

    Xx

    Reply
    • Sareta

      LOL!!!! See, I think I missed out with on the drugs available. HOWEVER, with Zachary, because I was awake during the c-section, Dany said I was talking about buying dresses and going out… Oh birth, it’s just not pretty at all.

      Reply
  2. Veronica Kennedy

    That is the truth 🙌🏾. Sounds similar to the birth of my daughter.When I hear of all these easy peasy birth stories I’m like who,what,where,when, HOW. That was such a good read they should put real life stories into books and dvds to get Mothers prepared 👌🏾

    Reply
    • Sareta

      I was just thinking the same thing. There needs to be a truth bomb book about birth and pregnancy. I watched a lady give birth to her daughter in the car on the way to the hospital the other day. Although it looked painful, her baby was born in seconds. That in itself is a truth bomb story… who prepares you for quick births when you’re not in hospital and have no idea what to do!?!?

      Reply
  3. Mayita

    Wowzers Sareeta those are some hardcore birth stories! My first was a bit scary as it was a long labour and he was 2 weeks over due but my second was one of those hippy births you mention 😉 (although, also 2 weeks over due) but as you said the most important thing is making sure that no-one forces you in to a birth you don’t want. 😘

    Reply
  4. Angela Creagh

    Love this blog. I like you, read the books, also went to yoga and massaged my perinium just like the books said. I was relaxed and prepared this was going to be EASY! So when at 38 weeks they said I was measuring a bit small, that was ok. Same thing at 40 weeks that was ok too. At the growth scan the sonographer said baby was a bit small 6 pounds 10 he said.. even that was ok. But then he said the tummy measurements looked a bit small so told me just to pop and see the doc. 30 mins later they are telling me the signs are my placenta has calcified and hasn’t been allowing all the nutrients through to the baby.. now I start to panic! Water is broken contractions are started but each contraction is making the baby’s heart rate dip so out comes the scalpel and the forceps. Job done… 5 pound baby arrives! teeny tiny but perfect..

    Reply
  5. Becky

    OK, so…this might sound bad, but THIS is why I don’t want kids!!!!! Although I must admit I’ve had pangs when seeing your little cuties…you’re messing with my brain!!!! X

    Reply
  6. Lizzy

    This sounds crazy – and you did it three times! Your boys are amazing and deffo worth all of the drama of the births, I think you have successfully managed to put me off having babies for a while yet..

    Reply

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